RETAIL GIRLS WEAR BLACK

So…my boss is future King of the North.

(Source: aholecustomers)

retrostreet:

One Million Time Over.

aholecustomers:

So I got a new youtube account where I’m vlogging.. lol.. this will be awkward. But from time to time I’m gonna touch on subjects that have to do with customer service. So check out my discussion of sexual harassment by customers. This is part 1.

Dear customers,

In every store, there’s these machines called registers. They allow you pay for your item, have it bagged and receive a document stating your purchase.

Now, you’re probably reading this article because you understand the above knowledge but still find yourself frustrated. You’re wondering: “Why aren’t these lines going faster?” or “Why is this cashier not going quicker?” As a shopper, you crave to have your checkout experience to go quicker than because you have shit to do.

1. Never EVER throw or toss your cash, credit card or gift card at your cashier. Not only is it terribly demeaning and kind of haughty French nobleman of you. But, we will remember you, talk about you and maybe forget to add in your discount.

2. MAKE UP YOUR MIND BEFORE YOU ENTER THE LINE. I cannot stress this enough. You are in your right to change your mind about what items you want to buy. But when its rush hour and twenty people behind you, that’s not patience in their eyes. That’s murderous rage. Step to the side, check your shopping list then get back into line.

3. HERES THE DEAL WITH COUPONS AND DEALS:

• Coupons, deals, sales and discounts are crafty little setups to get you to spend more money. If they’re discounting everything you buy, the  company is not making money. Thats why the bigger the discount, the exclusions increase.
• Read the fine print before you leave your house. Don’t be blinded by the big shiny font that promises 50% off of ALL ITEMS!!*. Companies know that’s all its going to take to get you to their store. Its helps to think of yourself as Hansel or Gretel and your favorite retail store as the Witch in a candy covered house. Except, they don’t want to eat you. Just suck every single dollar from your wallet.
• Don’t shoot the messenger; Don’t bitch out the cashier. So you didn’t read the fine print? Now, you have all these new purchases pile high at the register. Your coupons says at the bottom: ‘DISCOUNTS ONLY APPLY TO SALE ITEMS.’ Don’t cuss out the cashier. Because contrary to popular belief, cashiers aren’t cackling evilly over their computers at home writing your coupons. Sometimes, corporate doesn’t inform them of coupons till that day.

4. Get off your phone. No seriously, no cellphone. That thing will cause brain cancer anyways. The cashier doesn’t care how important you are  or if you left the oven on or who won the game last night. They just want to ring (your items), read (your total) and get you right (out of their face). You talking on your phone also known as being really fucking rude prevents them from engaging you. Plus, its rude for them to interrupt you if they need you to okay your total. You can be without your phone for two minutes. If you can’t, maybe you should rethink some of your life choices.

These four tips will allow you to ring up hassle free, especially if you choose to shop on a Saturday. The busiest day in retail of the week. Also, a ‘please’ and ‘thank you’ can take you a long way at the register. Just throw it in there and maybe the cashier will let your dick moves slide.

(Source: retailgirlswearblack)

Working in retail is akin to living a petri dish. You will be around your coworkers for extended periods- rubbing against each other and getting under one another’s skin. Friction is bound to happen.

If you’ve gone to high school, you’ve already had experience with dealing with gossip, rumors and grudges. Thick skin is a requirement because you have to work with these people day in and day out for at least eight hours straight. Making peace will make everything easier. Being besties with your coworker means you have someone to cover your shift or take a problem customer off your hands. Basically, you can’t be a bitch to everyone.

But they can be a bitch to you.

Commission usually fuels the problem. Corporate uses commission to push the competitive drive inside you to make them more money. You’re essentially in the mafia. Imagine, every time you convince some shallow housewife to spend a thousand dollars on a snakeskin backpack, you’re actually pulling off a hit. You head back to the godfather (corporate) with your numbers and they tell you who needs to go next (how much you need to make). Of course, they take a high percentage of your earnings…you know for the ‘family’. But at least, you have an excuse to say: “He’ll be swimming with the fishes.”

Use commission to your advantage. Offer up your lost middle-aged married guy (that you’ve convinced to buy twelve ties he doesn’t need) to whatever coworker hates you. If you are lucky enough to not work on commission. I suggest bringing food from home or buying them a drink after working a night shift. Retail workers love good food. When you’re stuck in a store for long hours, you don’t have the energy to go home and cook. So you find yourself eating processed shit from the nearest fast food joint. Thus, home cooked meal equals perfect bribe.

If your coworker is a soulless anorexic, offer to work their night shift.

I know, I know you’re cringing inside because nothing (not even sex) can replace the feeling of leaving work when the Sun’s still out. But you’re ultimately doing this for your sanity, sacrifices need to be made.

Now, for the third bitchy coworker prevention suggestion. If you know for a fact that said coworker is about to ‘leave the family’, you don’t have to do any of the above. Nope. Not one. Instead you can have a bit of fun by directing all the customer crazies their way, leaving them a shit ton of chores for their shift or throw out their food in the breakroom.

By accident of course.

Its been said that brewing underneath the surface of every retail store is passive aggressiveness. If we couldn’t be devious little imps every once in awhile, we would kill each other.

-B. Lou

(Source: retailgirlswearblack)

How do I put this in the simplest terms? Your first week is going to feel like walking through Candyland.

Your store manager loves you. They tell you they’re looking forward to working with you and you’re a natural! Rainbows come out your ass because you breeze through register training during the week. The little old ladies (who always come on Tuesdays) find you incredibly helpful. Regardless of whether you know where size 8 shoes are. You find yourself bounding in the break room because you get along so well with your coworkers.

This whole retail thing ain’t half bad…until the weekend comes.

Weekends are God’s way of telling retail workers that Americans are so focus on spending money that all those Barney videos on manners, common sense and basic kindness didn’t exactly sink in. That big, purple dinosaur wasted his time teaching reading as well as those critters on Sesame Street. Because grown ass people (I’m addressing individuals over the age of 30) will approach you asking the dumbest questions:

“Do you work here?”  

When you’re standing behind a register with a name tag on.

“What kind of sales are you having?”

When there is an enormous sign above your head that they glanced at before they approached you. And my favorite…

“How do you not buy everything in here?”

Now, you’re probably thinking that this question is just. Whatever company you work for’s merchandise you could see yourself wearing. Hey, you might’ve applied there just to get the employee discount. I’m not here to judge.

But, I guarantee, within a short period of time after cleaning, sorting, folding, stickering, tagging, rearranging, hanging up and carrying EVERYTHING. You rather run screaming out the door than buy whatever you thought you wanted. 

Now, for the helpful tip to get you through the first couple weekends…

Die a little inside.

No, I’m serious. Just become robotic. Don’t involve any unnecessary energy. Just get in there, do your job well and peace out.

After your manager checks your bag of course. They have to make sure all that ‘candy’ stays in Candyland.

                                 -B. Lou

*gifs are not mine.

(Source: retailgirlswearblack)